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OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply crossout the names and address of people you don't know. FOOL other drivers intothinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remotecontrol up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mountingthe curb. LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I foundthat the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds inonly 2 days. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turnedto 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. NO TIME for abath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling itoff. SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The followingmorning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble fullof dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. RECREATEthe fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling thebath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it,before jumping in.